


Canceling on Friends

by a_mind_at_work



Series: Anxiety Laf [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 11:26:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8842900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_mind_at_work/pseuds/a_mind_at_work





	

Lafayette was pacing around his room at the Washington’s. He and Alexander were leaving for Herc’s place in ten minutes. _Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf––_

He heard banging around from across the hall. Alex was clearly getting ready. The smaller boy always got ready last minute, making a mess of his room in the process. Usually Laf went over there to gently tease him and help tidy up so he didn’t come home to a mess. He knew messes always overwhelmed Alex, though he never had an issue creating one.

He knew he should go help him. He usually did. Usually.

_Herc’s place. You’ve been there countless times. Herc’s place, Herc’s place, Herc’s place._

No matter how many times he attempted to reassure himself, it didn’t work. It didn’t calm Lafayette’s pounding heart or stop the racing thoughts that were swirling around his head.

The thoughts were bees–– their buzzing insistent, their sting sharp, quick, and lasting.

_Everything is going to go wrong. Every. Little. Thing. They will hate you if you go and get anxious because that’s not what you DO and they don’t want to deal with you like that. They will hate you if you DON’T go because what kind of cruel monster cancels on his best friends at the last second? And how will Alexander get there? He can’t drive! You’re keeping him from his friends with your selfish feelings that aren’t even real. You’ve just got to suck it up and go-go-go._

The bees migrated to his throat. Lafayette felt like he was going to throw up.

The banging around in Alexander’s room had stopped. It was only a matter of time til they had to leave.

_You’re too weak for this. Give in. Give. In. Stay home where it’s safe, where nothing bad can happen to you, where you can control––_

“Laf?” His time was up. Alex knocked on his adoptive brother’s bedroom door. “La-a-af!” he singsonged. “You ready?”

Lafayette took a deep breath and looked in the mirror. Somehow his dark skin looked much more pallid that usual. He hoped Alexander wouldn’t notice.

“Oui, mon ami!” he called out in the cheeriest voice he could muster up. He opened the door to reveal a grinning Alex in jeans and a t-shirt with a turtle on it. He chuckled, even though it only made the choking feeling in his throat so much worse. The bees went _buzz buzz buzz_.

“You think John will like it?” Alex asked.

Lafayette forced another smile onto his face. “Of course, mon ami. But you do not need to worry about thing such as that because John likes _you_.”

Alexander blushed and looked down at the ground before grabbing Laf by the arm and taking off toward the stairs. “Let’s go!” he exclaimed.

Lafayette let himself be dragged, hoping that if he just went along with it, he’d feel better. Hoping that if he forced himself through it, the anxiety would pass and his friends would never know.

He was the strong one. It wouldn’t do for them to have to help him through a breakdown. How could they ever confide in him again if they witnessed him losing it?

“Laf?” Alex’s voice jarred him from his thought spiral. He jerked his head up when had he started looking down? and met Alex’s eyes.

_You cannot do this._

_You’re going to ruin him._

_You cannot do this._

_Your friends are gonna hate you._

_You cannot do this._

_You have to say something._

_You cannot-cannot-cannot—_

“Laf? Laf, sit down, okay?” He knew it was Alex, but his eyes were shut? When did he close his eyes?

Lafayette felt Alex’s hand grasp around his arm and guide him down until he was seated on the cool hardwood floor of the foyer.

“Take a deep breath with me. Laf?” Alex took one of Laf’s hands and placed it on his chest. “Match your breaths with mine, okay?” Alex instructed, his voice low and calm.

Lafayette tried to nod his head, but just grimaced instead, feeling the anxiety squeezing him so so so tightly around his throat.

_You cannot   cannot   cannot_

Lafayette stood and darted to the bathroom, trying his best to shut the door behind him in his rush. He was going to be sick.

_Weak, weak, weak._

_You cannot, you cannot, you cannot––_

He leaned over the toilet, sobbing. There were hands in his hair, holding back the stray strands that had escaped from his ponytail. Then there was a hand on his back, rubbing circles.

“Shh, it’s okay, Laf, shhh.” Alexander.

“So-sorry,” Laf choked out.

“Shh, no need to apologize, shhh.” Alex continued holding Laf’s curls and rubbing small circles onto his back.

Lafayette soon calmed, his sobs turning into hiccups. He hadn’t been sick, after all.

_What a pathetic victory._

Alexander had him in his arms. He gently leaned him against the cool tiles of the bathroom wall.

“Laf,” Alex said, voice mournful.

“We can still go,” Laf said quickly, opening his eyes and struggling to get up. Alex placed a small hand on his shoulder, gently holding him down.

“Laf,” he said again. He averted his eyes and bit his lip.

_He’s disgusted with you._

_He feels helpless._

_You’re supposed to be the strong one. Look at what you’ve done!_

_George and Martha will be so angry if he relapses in his recovery and it will be all your fault and they will hate you for hurting Alexander and––_

“Laf!”

_He hates hates hates you._

“Mom, it’s Laf. Can you come home?” Alex’s voice sliced through the thoughts and the buzzing of the bees, a machete in grass, cutting, destroying–– “Mom will be home soon,” Alex said, this time to Lafayette, who was looking at him with tired eyes.

Alexander wrapped his arms around Laf, holding him close, stroking his hair.

_How many times have you done this for him?_

_This isn’t how it’s supposed to be, and you know it._

_You’re supposed to be tough and never show it._

“What’re you thinking?” Alex murmured.

 _Don’t tell don’t tell don’t tell._ “Non,” Laf whispered.

“Laf.” The single syllable begged more than an entire paragraph could.

“That I’ve let you down,” Laf said with a sigh.

“What? How?” Alex sounded genuinely confused.

_He’s just a good actor._

“I’m the strong one,” he said, resigned to confessing nearly everything to Alex because he didn’t have the strength to refuse the persistent boy.

“Laf, oh god, no.” Alex said. “I mean yes, you are incredibly strong and I so admire you for that, but that doesn’t mean you can’t break down or be comforted or get help when you need it. That won’t change how I see you. You know that, right?”

“Non,” Laf whispered. “I cannot hurt you.”

“You aren’t hurting me, Laf. Please. Please let me be there for you?”

Lafayette began to sob. Alex was _asking_ to be there for him?

Lafayette didn’t know how to respond. He just couldn’t. He was too overwhelmed, too thrown-off by this role reversal.

Alex let go of him for a moment. He looked up to see Alexander texting.

Without looking up from his phone Alex said “I’m texting John and Herc. I’m telling them we’re not coming.”

“Alex, non, you don’t have to––”

“Lafayette,” Alex said firmly, staring him in the eye. “There is no way we’re going when you don’t feel well. Mom is on her way home. Until then, we’ll stay here.”

“We will?” Laf asked weakly, any fight left in him invisibly dripping out and onto the bathroom floor. The bees were quieting.

“We will,” Alex affirmed.

Alexander pulled Lafayette close again and kissed the crown of his head. Lafayette shut his eyes and they waited together, in a calming silence, for Martha to arrive.


End file.
